Starts from here
Huftttt...... 2025 became my first year actually living in the real world after graduating high school, and everything feels heavier than just waking up early and getting ready for school.
I used to think being unemployed wouldn’t be a problem. Turns out, the mental weight and social pressure hit way harder than I expected. Seeing people around me already having a career path and knowing exactly what they’re supposed to do when they wake up in the morning feels like one point of defeat for me this year.
Back then, I also thought my father was rich—and yeah, we’re not exactly struggling financially when it comes to basic family needs. I used to think if I needed money, I could just ask my dad like I did when I was still in school. But even during school, I rarely asked for extra money. In high school, my routine allowance was for five school days a week, and I got 50. I barely bought snacks, almost never ate or drank outside. Why? Basically, I’m just a “worms-in-the-stomach” kid lol—hard to eat.
Now, asking for money feels… embarrassing. It feels like I don’t deserve it. Other people at 18, or after finishing basic education—especially abroad—are already kicked out of the family card. Not literally, but you know, expected to be independent and earn their own money to survive. And again, the world has never been on our side. Who are we anyway? Without us, the Earth keeps spinning just fine.
Me, proudly labeled as an “introvert,” has a ton of disadvantages when it comes to living especially in my beloved Indonesia. At the start of 2025 after graduating high school, I tried to go to college. I applied to top universities like I actually deserved it. Turns out I was completely delusional. I didn’t study seriously. While others prepared early, I was watching fundamental videos right before the exam. Yeah, pretty damn stupid.
For months after finishing school, I almost never left the house. You could count it on one hand. But I did have one routine every week to go outside and touch some grass lol. Guess where I went? Yeah—Friday prayer. That’s it. Not even far from home. At least it forced me out of bed and into the shower haha.
During my self-isolation at home, my daily routine went like this: wake up late, then like most people—bathroom, coffee, no cigarettes because I can’t smoke and it would just make me even poorer—scrolling on my phone/laptop until around 9. Then I’d grab food from the kitchen while stretching a bit, go back to my room, eat while watching my phone or laptop. Midday break for dhuhr prayer, then back to gadgets again. In the late afternoon, I’d sleep, wake up, shower (optional), eat dinner. That’s it. Long story short, I wasted the entire day diving online. Sounds boring, right? Yeah, I knowww.
But in the later months, I started realizing I had to build habits that at least moved me in a better direction. I started asking AI about how to live healthier. In my case, I needed to bulk because I’m underweight. My height is 174 cm (measured with an actual construction tape measure), and my weight is roughly around 47 kg.
After getting some info, I started increasing my daily food portions. Before, I ate once or twice a day. I forced myself to eat twice: morning around 9, and evening/night. Each session, I’d take a “construction worker” portion—so much it barely fit on one plate. People said with my profile, it’s fine as long as I eat a lot and don’t overthink food choices. But I’m a picky eater, so even when there’s food on the table, sometimes I just eat rice with crackers.
Besides eating, I also have a workout program—the kind most guys have that can only be done when the house is empty… (it’s embarrassing as hell if family sees you). But honestly, consistency is insanely hard, for most people, including me.
The rest of my free time? Yeah, social media. Stuff that “normal” people probably don’t do. What kind of stuff? Haha yeah—being online 24/7 across platforms. I use X (formerly Twitter), Instagram, Facebook, WhatsApp (even though nobody chats me), Discord, YouTube, TikTok for doomscrolling. Sometimes Spotify for music. I’m also on Reddit, and sometimes Telegram for… secret reasons.
That’s f*cking crazy, man. I thought it was just me who could be this no-life.
I’ve been trapped so many times by toxic productivity motivation—watching self-improvement content that I know, consciously, is just my escape from the reality of being unemployed. Sometimes I’m busy setting up daily planners or task managers in Notion. I don’t expect 2026 to be any better unless I actually do something right. But I can’t promise I’ll try hard enough for what I want. Toxic me wants results without effort. Leave me alone.
Not being in school anymore also means I never meet my high school friends. We only chat and send thousands of Instagram reels without responding to each other. But we already know each other’s personalities, so yeah—we’re still friends. I have f*cking zero social skills that normal people have. I don’t know why. Maybe my mom is right—too much phone time.
I’m always awkward and distant with people around me. I’m comfortable being alone. Sometimes I talk to myself, just yapping out loud about random things, and I actually like it—hearing my own voice hahaha.
I wrote this blog for future me, yessss. The coolest achievement I might ever brag about in my life is simply that I’m still alive. People like me would be lying if we said we’re not stressed. This is a secret I can’t even share with people close to me.
Sometimes often I think: will I spend the rest of my life like this? Overthinking is a daily routine (this also steals my calories and makes me skinny). And the worst part is the thoughts about ending my life. Yeah—suicide. Sometimes when it hits, my chest tightens and I cry in silence.
But what keeps me alive is something stupidly simple. Not some noble purpose or anything like that. Just happiness from watching K-dramas thriller genre with romance as thin as tissue paper. If I had to name one, Cashero is my best of the year, released and watched at the end of this year.
A bowl of instant noodles (sometimes two) and a half-runny egg in the middle of the night, this is one of my reasons to live. When you think about it, my life is cheap as hell, right? But I don’t care. As long as I enjoy it.
Alright, let’s end this blog. If someone I know reads this, I’d be embarrassed 😩 but at the same time, I want them to know I’m not that quiet of a person—my head is loud—and I need someone to talk to so these lungs, larynx, pharynx, nasal cavity, mouth cavity, lips, and tongue actually get some use.
